Like many people, I have a lot of time on my hands these days - I have now been off work for six weeks because of Covid-19.  Today I decided to get back to a book that I started writing 10 years ago - has it really been that long?  I have edited and added to it a bit over the years, but I have been too busy to really spend much time on it.  For now, I will concentrate on editing and improving what I have already written, but one of these days I must get myself in the right frame of mind to sit and write like I did when I first got the idea for this book - I would sit for four or five hours at a time and just let the words flow.  I don't know if this book will ever be published, but I would like to finish it for my children and grandchildren to read one day.  As I have decided to start posting on this blog again, I will post excerpts from this book or other writings once a week.  I would love to hear your comments and have a dialogue about life and motherhood with other women.

MOTHERHOOD

 What is it, what does it really mean?

I haven’t heard anyone describe it better than what Martina McBride says of life in one of my favourite songs of all time, “In My Daughter’s Eyes”. “It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough. It’s giving more, when you feel like giving up.” My heart has had more than I thought it could bear. I have felt like giving up so many times, but it just isn’t an option. I can’t give up, because I’m a mother; because motherhood is the most important role in my life. It is a role I take to heart; it is my heart.

It’s guilt;  Judeo-Christian, woman, mother-guilt! Did I say the wrong thing?

Did I do the wrong thing?

Have I psychologically scarred them for life?

It’s fear; fear of making mistakes, fear of saying the wrong thing, of doing the wrong thing.

It’s that cold, tight feeling in your stomach when you lose sight of your child in a crowded place.

It’s that horrible, unshakeable fear that something unthinkable will happen to one of your children.

It’s pain; gut wrenching, breath taking, heart breaking pain.

It’s watching your children stumble and fall.

It’s not being able to give your children everything you want to give them.

It’s watching your children grow away from you.

It’s every stubbed toe, every scraped knee, every hurt feeling, and every broken heart.

It’s the pain of seeing your child’s pain.

It’s a pain that only gets worse as they get older. When they were little and they hurt themselves I would tell my children to go get the “bobo basket”. I would clean the “bobo”, lovingly apply a band aid and tenderly give them that “special mommy kiss”, the kiss that always made everything better. When they got older and other children wouldn’t play with them, when they were struggling to master something new and losing confidence in themselves, when a boy had broken their hearts, my mommy kiss lost its magic - I couldn’t kiss those hurts away. And every time I witness my children’s pain it tears another hole in my heart.

It’s joy; pure, unadulterated joy!

It’s when your baby finishes nursing, pulls away from your breast, sighs with satisfaction and lays her head so trustingly against your body.

It’s when your toddler wraps her arms around your legs and chirps “I lub you mommy!”

It’s your child’s small face pressed close to yours, her eyelashes gently brushing your cheek as she gives you “butterfly kisses”.

It’s your child standing tall and straight in front of you, her hands behind her back. With a flourish worthy of Houdini himself she whips her hands from behind her and proudly presents you with her latest work of art, which you accept with all the fanfare it deserves and vow to keep forever!

It’s when your preteen, who is ‘oh too cool to hang with her mom anymore’, slips her hand in yours and squeezes it tightly – in public!

It’s when your teenager actually thanks you for caring enough to give her boundaries – and for grounding her when she oversteps them!

It’s your adult child coming to your rescue, making you feel worthy and loved.