Like many people, I have a lot of time on my hands these days - I have now been off work for six weeks because of Covid-19.  Today I decided to get back to a book that I started writing 10 years ago - has it really been that long?  I have edited and added to it a bit over the years, but I have been too busy to really spend much time on it.  For now, I will concentrate on editing and improving what I have already written, but one of these days I must get myself in the right frame of mind to sit and write like I did when I first got the idea for this book - I would sit for four or five hours at a time and just let the words flow.  I don't know if this book will ever be published, but I would like to finish it for my children and grandchildren to read one day.  As I have decided to start posting on this blog again, I will post excerpts from this book or other writings once a week.  I would love to hear your comments and have a dialogue about life and motherhood with other women.

MOTHERHOOD

 What is it, what does it really mean?

I haven’t heard anyone describe it better than what Martina McBride says of life in one of my favourite songs of all time, “In My Daughter’s Eyes”. “It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough. It’s giving more, when you feel like giving up.” My heart has had more than I thought it could bear. I have felt like giving up so many times, but it just isn’t an option. I can’t give up, because I’m a mother; because motherhood is the most important role in my life. It is a role I take to heart; it is my heart.

It’s guilt;  Judeo-Christian, woman, mother-guilt! Did I say the wrong thing?

Did I do the wrong thing?

Have I psychologically scarred them for life?

It’s fear; fear of making mistakes, fear of saying the wrong thing, of doing the wrong thing.

It’s that cold, tight feeling in your stomach when you lose sight of your child in a crowded place.

It’s that horrible, unshakeable fear that something unthinkable will happen to one of your children.

It’s pain; gut wrenching, breath taking, heart breaking pain.

It’s watching your children stumble and fall.

It’s not being able to give your children everything you want to give them.

It’s watching your children grow away from you.

It’s every stubbed toe, every scraped knee, every hurt feeling, and every broken heart.

It’s the pain of seeing your child’s pain.

It’s a pain that only gets worse as they get older. When they were little and they hurt themselves I would tell my children to go get the “bobo basket”. I would clean the “bobo”, lovingly apply a band aid and tenderly give them that “special mommy kiss”, the kiss that always made everything better. When they got older and other children wouldn’t play with them, when they were struggling to master something new and losing confidence in themselves, when a boy had broken their hearts, my mommy kiss lost its magic - I couldn’t kiss those hurts away. And every time I witness my children’s pain it tears another hole in my heart.

It’s joy; pure, unadulterated joy!

It’s when your baby finishes nursing, pulls away from your breast, sighs with satisfaction and lays her head so trustingly against your body.

It’s when your toddler wraps her arms around your legs and chirps “I lub you mommy!”

It’s your child’s small face pressed close to yours, her eyelashes gently brushing your cheek as she gives you “butterfly kisses”.

It’s your child standing tall and straight in front of you, her hands behind her back. With a flourish worthy of Houdini himself she whips her hands from behind her and proudly presents you with her latest work of art, which you accept with all the fanfare it deserves and vow to keep forever!

It’s when your preteen, who is ‘oh too cool to hang with her mom anymore’, slips her hand in yours and squeezes it tightly – in public!

It’s when your teenager actually thanks you for caring enough to give her boundaries – and for grounding her when she oversteps them!

It’s your adult child coming to your rescue, making you feel worthy and loved.

I cannot believe that it has been almost 7 years since I last wrote on my blog!  A lot has happened during that time that I will not try to catch up on at this moment. I am living in Canada again. I am still on a journey that I would like to share with other women.  I am hoping  - along with my youngest daughter - to self-publish a book of mother-daughter poems.  I hope to accomplish what I have wanted from the time I started this blog 9 years ago - to connect with women of all ages, cultures, and circumstances - to celebrate our differences and to share our common stories.  I realize that to do that, I am going to have to truly enter the 21st century and keep posting regularly on this blog.  It is going to be a challenge!

Calling all Empty -Nesters!

I’m curious to know if other parents who have finished raising their children are on a similar journey to mine - pursuing old passions, following dreams put on hold during those parenting years, and redefining who you are now.

Obviously parenting isn’t over after the children are raised.  How are you finding life after children?  What benefits come with that empty house, and what challenges have you faced?  For instance, how have you dealt with establishing new relationships with your adult children?  That one can be a minefield!  How is life with in-laws and grandchildren?  I don’t have grandchildren yet, but I acquired a son-in-law last year - I don’t know him very well, but I really like him and he and my daughter are good together.

When I started this blog I jokingly wrote that life after children is all about me.  It isn’t, really - I am focusing more on myself than I have done in 30 years - but I am still a mother, first and foremost.  I think about my daughters, I worry about them, I miss them, and sometimes they still need their mom’s help.

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

The MA module I’m currently working on is about creating an online presence as a writer.  I therefore resolved, among other things, to update my blog on a weekly basis and to make it less like a journal and more reader interactive.  I still intend to do that, but at the moment life has thrown me a challenge that I have to work around. 

Of the many metaphors used to talk about life I think the road one is the most apt.  It is certainly useful in describing my life - detours, wrong turns, potholes, straying off the path, trying to get back on track, etc.  At the moment I am on what is referred to as the road to recovery - and everyone I have spoken to has told me it is going to be a long road.  Why is it that the road to happiness is never a long one?  It seems like we get glimpses of pure joy before we start toiling up the next hill, we have moments of happiness before we take a wrong step and fall off the road (which is, of course situated at the top of a damn mountain we have to climb back up), but it often feels like the good journeys are sprints and the hard ones are marathons.

In high school I took a typing class - that was before computers, in the days of manual typewriters - which has proven very useful over the years.  Usually I’m a very fast ten finger typist.  Currently I’m a very slow five finger typist.  Usually I can type for hours before my tendonitis or carpal tunnel kicks in and pain slows me down.  Currently I can barely get through an hour on my lap top before my shoulder and arm are throbbing; even though I’m not typing with my right hand that arm is affected - in fact you would be surprised how many bodily functions and everyday activities involve the muscles (which, of course, are wrapped around the bones) of your upper arm and shoulder.  Usually if I’m unmotivated or have writer’s block I would go for a quick walk and get some fresh air, or do some yoga or other physical activity that would help me to settle down and concentrate on the work I need to do.  Currently anything physical is challenging to impossible, and nothing is quick.  I walk with the agility and confidence of an eighty year old - I’m absolutely terrified of another fall, small chores drain my energy, and taking a shower is a major task that requires a couple of extra strength Tylenol before commencing.

So, I am on the road to recovery, the path to obtaining a masters degree, the trail of earning of a living, the avenue of dreams, and the highway of life.  Can I travel all these thoroughfares at the same time?  I can and will, but experience has taught me that I won’t be able to give them all equal attention.  I have to make a living, but I may have to delay going back to work until I’m more fit.  I am going to earn my MA Professional Writing, but I may not get the distinction I would dearly like.  I am going to achieve my dream of being a writer; nothing is going to make me lose sight of that.  Right now, though, the track I need to give the most attention to is restoring my health and mobility; if I don’t attain that I will never accomplish my other goals. 

I am still travelling the highway of life - I have come to another detour (I’ve never actually stumbled across a shortcut, such as the job of my dreams being handed to me on a silver platter, or buying the winning lottery ticket) - but I am not defeated, in fact I am still damn defiant!

Two weeks ago I wrote that life after children had become about getting back in shape and keeping up with my adult children.  I was inspired and started running with my youngest daughter.  Last week I didn’t update my blog - I was lying in a hospital bed waiting to have surgery to repair my broken shoulder, the result of a fall while running.  This past week my life has been about being broken and trying to heal - physically and emotionally - and pondering that age old question:  does everything happen for a reason, or sometimes, does shit just happen?

Last Tuesday Jordyn and I caught the 6:20 ferry from Nanaimo, landed at Horseshoe Bay (just north of Vancouver) at 8:00, and pulled up to my daughter’s apartment building in Edmonton just under 12 ½ hours later.  It felt so good to wrap my arms around this daughter too and to give my new son-in-law a hug hello.  I’m enjoying spending time with Alex and getting to know Matt.  I also had a great reunion with my favourite brother (it took him until he was about 6 to realize this wasn't quite the compliment he thought it was - he's my only brother), and look forward to spending more time with him while I'm here.

Alex has run 2 half marathons, as has her husband.  Matt also does triathlons and next Sunday will take part in a half Iron Man, so they are obviously a very fit couple.  They recently got Jordyn into running so on Thursday morning I decided to get off my butt and join her for a run - the first one I’ve done in decades.  Jordyn and I ran for 4 minutes, walked for 1, and kept that up for 2.5 km - I was very proud of myself!  Today we ran for 3.5 km; it was much more challenging and my legs felt like jelly at the end but I did it.  Now I’m actually considering joining Alex and Jordyn on a 5 km run next Saturday.

So, at 54 I’m discovering that life after children is about getting back in shape and keeping up with your children.  Maybe I’m crazy but I’m inspired to be in the best shape of my life in my fifties and sixties.

HELLO VICTORIA - AND GOODBYE AGAIN!

I’ve been back in Canada for one week now - I’m too physically and emotionally drained to write much.  I spent the first morning here getting my car back on the road and arranging for the police check I need for my new visa. I had a 2 ½ hour drive down the beautiful island highway - without speeding - well, at least I didn’t get a ticket - with the windows down, the music blaring, singing my heart out to my favourite kick-ass girl songs!  I pulled into Saxepoint Park with Gloria Estevan’s ‘Do the Congo’ blasting, thinking my daughter would know before she even saw my car that it was me coming.  Jordyn, however, was so caught up playing with her friend’s baby she didn’t see me until I was almost on top of her!  But I did get a great big hug that nearly knocked me off my feet, and I picked her up off hers.  I opted for the hip mom response of “Cool tat, Jordyn.” - and it does, in fact, look very tasteful.   It was so good to see my daughter #3,and to catch up with her friends from school and with my friends, but the week sped by too quickly.  Thank you, Diane for your hospitality, I felt at home with you and it was so great to catch up, friend. Thank you Jan for the amazing lunch you made; I had a wonderful afternoon with you and Carol and Claudette.  Delilah, it was so, so good to see you again, girl.  I even popped in to see the ladies of the James Bay Women’s group; it wasn’t the same without Minnie who passed away recently but I did see some of the other ladies who have inspired me to follow my dreams.

I've missed my home so much and wish I could have spent more time walking by the ocean, and exploring my favourite parts of the city, but there just wasn't time. 

So now I’m back up in Comox; I picked up my police clearance today and sent all the papers off for my new Saudi visa.   Jordyn and I leave at first light tomorrow to catch the ferry from Nanaimo to Horseshoe Bay, and then we have a 12-13 hour drive to Edmonton and another long awaited reunion - daughter # 1 and #1 son-in-law!