RAMADAN KAREEM

It has been four months since I last wrote in my blog. So much has happened I can't possibly write about it all so I will just touch on the main events.

My daughter Alexandra is now Doctor Jackman. She was married to a wonderful young man on June 2, graduated from the University of Alberta Medical School on June 8, and began her residency in pediatrics on July 1^st. My daughter Charelle will embark on post graduate studies at Queen's University in Kingston in September, working on her Masters and Phd. In Behavioral Neuroscience. My daugher Jordyn survived the challenges of her gap year, growing in wisdom and maturity. She will be starting at the University of Winnipeg in September.

I recently enjoyed six weeks in Canada spending time with family and friends. I watched with love and pride as my eldest daughter and her husband exchanged their wedding vows, and as Alex walked across the stage at her graduation ceremony. I went on a road trip with each of my two youngest daughters – short trips but still very special times. I basked in the warmth of my girls' love and laughter, spent as much time in their company as I could, soaked up the sights, sounds and smells of summer in my native country and eventually, with mixed feelings, boarded a plane to return to Riyadh.

Between leaving my job in Kuwait and starting this job in Saudi I lost four months of work this year, which completely derailed my financial plans but I should be back on track after another year here. I am still working on being away from Canada for another 4 or 5 years, possibly in the Middle East, possibly spending a year or two in the Far East.

I left for Canada at the end of the semester just as exams were starting. It was sad saying goodbye to my students, I'd grown very fond of them, and particularly close to a few of the girls. The happiness and fulfilment I felt in the classroom made up for the restrictions and frustrations I sometimes faced outside it.

Life in Riyadh can sometimes be challenging but it is interesting, the people are generally warm and welcoming, I am meeting and making friends with people from all over the world, and I am learning and growing as I continue this journey I began almost one year ago. I miss my family and friends, I miss my beautiful city by the sea, but I am excited to see where this road I am travelling will take me. I am not ready to turn around yet.

FINAL DETAILS - FINALLY!

Not surprisingly the plans I thought would be finalized over three months ago weren't. I am beginning to wonder if inefficiency and insensitivity are endemic in this field I have chosen to enter. I have had dealings with at least five recruiting companies since I began my job search last spring and I have yet to come across one that truly cares about it's employees; every single one of them has treated me the same way. The representatives seem genuine and caring at first, then gradually the contact lessens and in some cases disappears altogether. The questions I asked were unanswered, my concerns not addressed. I have talked to teachers who have been blatantly lied to, who were told they would have single accommodation, that their visa and medical expenses would be reimbursed, etc., none of which turned out to be the case. Teachers have been assured they were going into 'top notch' accommodation by recruiting agents who have obviously never left their cozy western offices to actually check this out. Teachers have had flights from hell getting from their home countries(including myself - travelling from Vancouver to Kuwait via Houston!), have walked into filthy apartments and into a work situation that does not in any way resemble the one described during their interviews. The more I encounter this kind of mayhem the more seriously I think about starting my own company somewhere down the road. In the meantime I need to work, and I want to teach, so I am eternally grateful that things finally got moving.

      I was offered a position teaching English in the Preparatory Program at King Saud University in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. I have had the position since I signed the contract on December 25th, the frustrating part was waiting to get my visa sorted out. As if to prove the all-pervasiveness of Murphy's Law in my life, Canada chose the time I was looking for work in Saudi Arabia to start a pissing contest with that country regarding visas. After many false starts and disappointments, sleepless nights, a stress level I'm certain sent my blood pressure soaring, and even a few tears I finally received the long awaited visa, followed surprisingly quickly by a ticket to Riyadh.

      It was so hard not to slip into depression during those three long months I spent in England. I had nothing to do, I could see my financial goals slipping away, my future was looking decidedly uncertain - I couldn't help but question where my life was going. Seriously, was I Hitler in my previous life?! What did I do to deserve such crappy karma? What lesson(s) was I supposed to be learning from all this? Was I ever going to get to follow my passions? Would there ever come a time when I didn't have to worry about money? I have found answers to some of those questions, some I'm still working on.

      At times I feel like I wasted so much time during those months. I should have made great strides toward finishing my book - which didn't happen - I wasn't in the right frame of mind to to be creative. I should have worked out three times a day and be looking fabulous by now-not! But when I'm not so hard on myself I acknowledge that those months were not wasted. I was lucky to have the company of my youngest daughter for a month between her nanny adventures abroad. We walked, talked, laughed, explored, went on pub crawls(just small ones!); it was a wonderful time I am so grateful to have had. I had the privilege of spending more time under the same roof as my sister Sue than we've spent together in over thirty years. I had times with her (and my brother-in-law) when I laughed until the tears poured down my face. I had visits with my sister Kim - some good, some hard - all moments I'm glad I didn't miss. After six years apart I am so grateful I had the chance to spend this time with my sisters; I've learned from bitter experience that we don't always get another chance, another moment with those we love. I got to know my nieces and nephew, spent time with cousins, visited my parents' and sister's grave, and found the graves of my grandmother and great grandmother.

      I did actually work out sometimes and I walked - a lot - including a few strolls down memory lane.  I went to Birkenhead as often as I could and walked all over that city where my parents grew up and where they are buried. I found myself really missing my mother; there were so many things to remind me of her, so many places I remember going with her. Even after all these years I still miss my mom - wish I still had her to turn to when I'm lonely and frightened, when I need someone to advise and reassure me.

      I was so frustrated and worried by the delays in getting my Saudi visa but in the end I was glad I hadn't left England sooner than I did. One of my mother's cousins died a week before I left and it meant so much to me that I was able to attend her funeral. Like several others of mom's cousins Iris was more than just a cousin; she was a like a sister to my mother. She and her husband Richie were there with us the night my father died, they helped make my mother's funeral arrangements; they have always been there to support us in our losses and celebrate with us in the good times. Iris is one of the four cousins I always call as soon as I arrive in England. I always make sure I see her and Richie when I'm there. Unfortunately the visit we had in December was the last one I would ever have with that generous, loving, special lady. After everything she has done for my family it was important for me to be there for her family to show my love and respect; so I ceased to question why I had to wait so long to get where I wanted to go. There is a reason for everything - we just don't always see it.

      So here I am in the land of Sinbad and Alladin and magic carpets! I used to dream about this part of the world when I was a child, now I am living in my third Middle Eastern country and can truly believe I will realize my dreams of travelling extensively in this area and in Africa. Settling into my apartment is a challenge, but one I will have to conquer. My kitchen - which used to be a hallway - is half the size of the tiny gallery kitchen in my apartment in Victoria and is not equipped with hot water! The window in my living room opens into an air shaft so it lets in very little light. We have not been provided with a table and chairs so must eat and do schoolwork on our laps or the coffee table. I was extremely lucky in Oman and Kuwait to have 'western' bathrooms with a bath tub installed but my luck has run out. Here I only have what is commonly referred to as an "Arab" bathroom; there is no tub or even a shower stall - only a drain in the floor. Every time I have a shower the floor(and sometimes the toilet and sink) gets soaking wet and has to be mopped out. I really thought that would drive me crazy and I wouldn't be able to handle it, but it is surprising what one can get used to, cleaning up afterward has just become part of my shower routine. Doing laundry in the old-fashioned washer is a bit challenging but I only do that once a week so I'm surviving. I'm keeping my ears open for a better apartment to come empty in the building but they all have their own problems and we all just have to deal with the situation as best as we can.

      I really like my two classes; the girls are eighteen to twenty year old science students (our campus also has medical students.) who are completing a preparatory year in English before beginning work on their degrees. I am a woman and the mother of three daughters; I love the audacious spirit, the bubbly conversation, the unique energy and enthusiasm of the female species. These beautiful young Saudi women are no different from my young daughters and their friends in Canada. They are bursting with ideas and enthusiasm, they are bright and energetic, they are passionate and generous. They were a little wary of me at first, which is understandable because they have had several teachers come and go over the past months, but once they knew that I would be with them until they finished the semester and realized that I truly care about them they welcomed me in true Arab fashion - generously and without reserve! After three weeks of teaching my girls I can truly say that I have not had a bad day. I have had moments of exasperation, a couple of instances of speaking strictly to some girls, and have had to compromise on my usual tolerance of noise level in the classroom, but I have not once left the campus feeling disheartened or defeated. The girls talk - a lot! They talk in Arabic when they should be talking in English. Sometimes they are tired and unmotivated. Sometimes they are preoccupied with an upcoming exam in another class and not giving my English class the focus it deserves. But always they are respectful and responsive to my requests(okay-not always the second I ask-but eventually!), and never are they rude or ignorant or deliberately disruptive. There is not one girl of the forty eight I teach who I dislike. After some of the absolute crap I had to put up with as a teacher in the Canadian public education system being with these girls is a breath of fresh air.

      The English instructors here all work with a team teacher sharing two classes. For the unit we are currently working on I am teaching the reading and writing components so I plan one (100 minute) lesson from that text and teach it to both our classes and my co-teacher teaches the listening and speaking components. Each unit we switch roles, and we teach that curriculum three days of the week.  There are two other subjects the students have in English, each one day per week. One is Self Learning, which gives them interesting topics to work on while improving independent study skills; there is a department that handles this curriculum and plans the lessons, the teachers just have to teach them. The other subject is called Continuous Assessment and this term the girls were working on the writing process, from brainstorming to final draft. Again, most of the preparation is done by a separate department and given to the teachers to present to the students.  I teach Self Learning to one of my classes and Continuous Assessment to the other. We don't have to mark the students class work and these two subjects have minimal formal assessment so the marking work load is hardly a burden. Still, amazingly, I have heard teachers complain! After all the preparation and marking, all the student and administration demands and drama I had to cope with in Kuwait I feel like I have died and gone to heaven! We also have to provide cover for absent teachers but whereas in Kuwait I never knew when I would have to do that(and could do it several days in a row) here we all have one day per week when we have to be available and would(except under extreme circumstances) only cover one class that day. Of course I am benefiting from being part of an almost complete staff quota. Those teachers who started in September when the university was severely understaffed regularly taught three and sometimes all four classes each day. I am aware I could be in the same situation next fall if I am still here. There are two shifts at the university, am(which is from 7-3) and pm(from 8-4), which is my shift. Our bus(which is actually just a large van)leaves our apartment building at 6:50 sharp(if you miss it you have to find your own ride to work and will be docked pay if you are late) and usually arrives on campus around 8:00, depending on traffic. I have the first three hours free for planning and admin stuff(my office hours for students who need to see me/get extra help are from 8-10 but teachers only rarely have students come during that time). We do have to attend professional development sessions sometimes during the morning but(unlike some teachers) I have no complaints about that, the training is relevant and usually brief. My first class is from 11:35-1:25 and my second from 1:50-3:20. We sign out at 3:45 and head for the bus that takes us back to our apartment. The day flies by - especially when I am with my students - I am in my element there and thoroughly enjoying being in the classroom again!

      There are definitely challenges to being a woman over here. I am already used to wearing an abaya(the long, black, sort of over-coat women have to wear over their clothes) whenever I go out. We have to wear our abayas and a headscarf when we walk between the bus and the small building we first enter on campus. In there everyone, including the students, removes their scarves and abayas, then we cross a small courtyard and enter the preparatory building. I wasn't told before I came here that we weren't allowed to wear pants to work(could have saved myself some of the expense of excess baggage if I had been!). I thought we would be able to because the campus is all women, but the girls are not allowed to wear pants so I guess it wouldn't be fair if the teachers wore them. When we go out(and we are strongly encouraged from going out alone)we wear the abaya but as foreign women we don't have to wear head scarves. However some women have been told to cover their heads when they were in public so I have been wearing a scarf loosely around my neck in case I need it! Those of you who know me well can appreciate how much of a learning curve this experience is for me! I know I am really going to miss the freedom of coming and going as I please, and the exercise and stress relief walking outdoors gives me, but there are several women in my building who like to walk so we go out together most evenings. It isn't the same as at home and already I miss my mountains and ocean, but at least I get outside for some fresh air and exercise!

      Obviously the big plus that brings most of us here is the money, which is pretty good. My accommodation leaves a lot to be desired but it's free. Transportation to and from work and two shopping trips per week are provided(and taxis are quite cheap for trips we want to take by ourselves). This first month has been expensive as I had to buy things for the apartment - this is the worst supplied flat of the three countries I have been in in the Middle East - many of the things teachers buy should be provided by the company. In future, though, I will only have to pay for my groceries(which are a bit more expensive than I was expecting, but still my only major expense), my daily cappuccino at the campus cafeteria(under $2.00 so a justifiable treat!), and maybe a supper out on our Thursday shopping trip. So I will soon get caught up on my financial plan which went awry during three months of not working!

      Those are the final details - and then some! Despite the detour of three months in Kuwait(which , although it was the wrong setting for me, was not a wasted journey), despite the frustration and stress of finding another teaching position, and despite the challenges I have encountered since arriving in Riyadh I do not regret leaving the safety and comfort of home. Challenges are good; they shake us out of our complacence. Change is good; it provides us with an opportunity to grow. Meeting new people, experiencing new environments, conquering challenges and adapting to change is sometimes difficult and frightening; it is also rewarding and exciting. It is an adventure - it is not for the weak of heart.

SISTERS

Once we were four now we are three,

Sisters, my sisters,

You mean so very much to me.

You are the younger sisters, I the older,

I always felt I had to be stronger and bolder,

Wanted to provide you with a strong shoulder.

But I know that I haven't always been there with you,

To help you with all the loss and pain you've been through,

I wish this big sister could always protect you like I used to do.

The first time I saw my new baby sisters I fell victim to your charms,

I helped to feed you, changed you, cradled you in my young arms,

I took you for walks, played with you, tried to shield you from harms.

You were still just children when your older sisters left home,

It seemed I just turned around and from girls to women you'd grown,

How did it happen that we all travelled down such different roads?

Time passed, we all got older and continued on our separate ways,

The time between visits with my sisters turned to years not days,

I missed you, felt your absence on my heart like a weight.

We have disagreed, been unforgiving, sometimes unkind,

But, always, in times of loss each other we would find,

That is what a family does, those are the ties that bind.

Kim, together we carried the coffin of our mother,

Sue, you and I bore the weight of another,

Whose loss left only three sisters and a brother. 

The thought of spending this Christmas alone could almost make me weep,

Only a sister could know how grateful I am for these last precious weeks,

Walking, talking, laughing until my sides ached and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Laughing at our own private jokes with all of our might,

Standing on the sidewalk with my legs crossed tight,

So I wouldn't pee my pants that hilarious night!

You both know me like no other can,

My history, my memories, who I am,

You can always know that at your side I will stand.

FAREWELLS, FRUSTRATIONS & FINAL DETAILS continued

Someone who hates goodbyes as much as I do should have been born and raised (and eventually die) in the same small town. That, however, is not my destiny; within me I carry the genes of a world traveller. I am a rolling stone, my home is where I hang my hat, my feet are itchy, and my heart yearns for adventure. I was a teenager when I first heard the saying"ships that pass in the night". That expression appealed to my young, romantic, traveller's heart and I naively envisioned and anticipated many such encounters over the years. My older, more sceptical, traveller's heart has learned that the excitement of meeting new people, sharing new experiences and opening your heart to new friendships is balanced by the sadness of parting and the inevitability of losing touch with many of those friends as the years pass.

I have been blessed to spend the last three months in an exotic location, doing the work I love and getting to know an interesting, well-travelled, eclectic group of people. I have laughed, argued, philosophized, empathized, and grown as a human being thanks to all of these 'ships that I have passed in the night'. I humbly say farewell and thank you to all of you, I must say a few extra words to some of you. David( who reminds me so much of a dear, Scouse cousin), thank you for the laughs, for watching my back, and for teaching me that honourable administrator is not an oxymoron. Flo and Rachel(two lovely young ladies from England and New Zealand), you are a credit to the parents who raised you, being apart from my lovely young daughters was easier to bear because of your light and laughter. Bruce and Gabby, my fellow Canucks(from Winterpeg, Manisnowba of all places!), our acquaintance has been brief but eminently enjoyable. It's been great hanging out with you these past two weeks, Gabby; and thanks for colouring my hair for me! Karl, Michael, Peter and Cathy, my afternoon tea buddies, thanks for the laughter, the colourful conversations(I've learned a lot about men's perspective on women thanks to 'the man from Wigan' and 'the man from Northern Ireland'!)the advice and support. Thank you Cathy for being such an easy-going room mate and thank you Karl for being my guide and 'chaperone' on many enjoyable walks. Sarah and Dea, two strong, caring, amazing, South African ladies, you have both touched my heart deeply. I feel that if distance did not separate us we could become close, life-long friends. Steven and Gideon, husbands of Sarah and Dea, respected colleagues; it has been a pleasure knowing you. Stay in touch, people, and know that if you ever make it to my 'hood you have a place to stay. Another famous quote comes to mind; "...parting is such sweet sorrow.." - sorry, William, you are wrong on that one - there is nothing sweet about it, there is only sorrow.

I've spent too much time, wasted too much energy in the last three months venting about how frustrated I am, how difficult things sometimes are. There is nothing like putting things down, in black and white as the saying goes, to help you put things in perspective. My frustrations pale in comparison to the richness that has come into my life through my students, my colleagues, and my experiences here in this country and in this culture that are so different from my own. I have been offered a position teaching English as a Second Language at Princess Noura University in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. I thought I would be there by now. I thought I would be settled into my new place - my own place! - on a western compound. I thought I would be in the swing of teaching my new classes. I thought I would be earning a new salary not long after I was last paid from this job. I thought wrong! The recruiting company that hired me has not, in my opinion, behaved well. I am still waiting for my Saudi visa to be sorted out and for a flight to be booked for me to Riyadh. In the meantime I am in Kuwait illegally(my visa expired on October 26), I have been told I can no longer stay in the apartment that was part of my contract(fair enough, I finished work at the school on November 3)and I haven't been paid since the end of October - it is time to move on. There was a time when I would have been a lot more frustrated and stressed out by these circumstances, I think I'm mellowing with age(when one of my daughters remarks on my passionate dialogue or my assertiveness - they've been known to say I am aggressive but I maintain that I am assertive - I tell them "This is me mellow, you should have seen me 30 years ago!). Tomorrow morning I am getting on a plane and flying to England. I am going to spend time(hopefully not too long because I need to join the ranks of the employed again soon)with family. I am going to embrace the sisters I have not seen in 6 years, I am going to have tea with cousins I may not see again for many years, I am going to indulge my appetite for pork(forbidden in this Muslim country)and imbibe a few rum and pepsi! I wanted to stop in England on my way to Kuwait last summer to see my family but that didn't work out so instead of being frustrated by the delays and stressed out about such minor details as money, a home and a job I am just going to go with the flow here. I am going to take full advantage of this opportunity the universe has sent me. Thank you universe! That takes care of the farewells and frustrations, I will update when the final details have been wrapped up!

FAREWELLS, FRUSTRATIONS & FINAL DETAILS

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ?! (Part Two)

Before I forget, the picture that I posted was taken the first week I was here when a group of us were visiting the Grand Mosque.  We are all wearing abayas because women can't go into a mosque unless they are covered.  We were given a tour by a very friendly, informed young man, served with cold water afterward, and felt very welcome.  The mosque is incredibly beautiful-marble, Indian teak, glass windows from Italy, the best materials and furniture from around the world. 



Back to my Kuwaiti saga!  I've been silent for the past three weeks because I've been processing, reflecting, and considering my options.  I didn't want to update my blog until I had everything sorted out.  I don't have everything sorted out yet, but I feel it's time to get it down, put it out there.

Along with the ineptitude involved in arranging my flight, and the clocking in/out situation, one of the company administrators tried to enforce a policy of not allowing us to have friends of the opposite gender in our flats(that means our apartments for my Canadian people!) a move that was fought-and won-by our principal(bless his Scouse heart!).  Last Wednesday I came home from school(after a particularly bad day that had started with the principal telling me about not getting the esl position) and was informed-in very broken English- by the guy who takes care of our building-that I had a room mate!  I was put in a 2 bedroom flat when I arrived and knew there was a possibility of sharing but this was ridiculous!  I had been given no warning whatsoever.  This man had gone into my apartment when I was not there, taken my suitcases and some clothes I had put in the second bedroom and taken them into my bedroom-where I had 2 piles of dirty clothes(including underwear!) on the floor because I intended to do laundry as soon as I got home.  I was freaking furious!  This is indicative of how this company treats its teachers, which(along with the conditions at the school)explains the high staff turnover.  My new 'roomie' had just arrived after a long flight that originated in Detroit and must have wondered what the hell she'd gotten herself into when she encountered a hopping mad, crazy Canadian woman!  As it turns out my American colleague has friends and a fella here and didn't even spend one night in the flat(now living somewhere else), but that doesn't change how this situation was handled, or the fact that I could come home one day next week and find they have moved someone else in here!  And then there is the man they hired to run a building with a large, international, English speaking population- a man who barely speaks English.  It's really difficult to get anything fixed/sorted when you can't make yourself understood.  And the situation is not just frustrating for us; can you imagine not being able to understand English and being constantly bombarded by people speaking that language, making demands on you, and getting frustrated when you don't know what they're saying- and apparently being paid a pittance for the privilege?  The poor man wears a look of perpetual frustration. These are not the actions of a company that behaves with integrity, that cares about its employees.  I do not feel bound by a sense of loyalty to the company that hired me.



And then there is my apartment.  I know, and appreciate that having free accommodation is not a perk that I would enjoy at home.  But in the world of ESL teaching and international schools it is part of the compensation package, and in most positions in the Middle East and Asia free-single-accommodation is provided.  I knew coming into this job that it only offered shared accommodation.  I wasn't wild about the idea but I wanted a job and assumed - obviously naively - that the apartment provided would have 2 separated bedrooms and bathrooms and a living area large enough for two strangers to share.  I have a good sized bedroom and being the first in here appropriated the large bathroom that has a real shower and bathtub (which also holds the washing machine room mates would share).  The second bedroom is an adequate size but is very close to mine, and the 2nd bathroom is what most westerners refer to as an 'Arab bathroom' - although parts of Europe have ones similar to it.  It is very small, with a sink, toilet and shower head in it.  That's right-I said shower head-not shower stall.  Whenever you shower the entire bathroom gets wet and has to be mopped out afterward-I would not be a happy camper if that is what I had to utilize for the next 10 months-and it is definitely not up to the standards expected by international staff.  The living space is totally adequate for a single person or a couple but not, in my opinion, for 2 complete strangers.  It is definitely not big enough for two teachers to set up laptops and spread out with all our marking and planning materials.  Adding insult to injury my apartment was in a disgustingly filthy state when I arrived.  Tired, jet-lagged, and adjusting to a new country and climate, I had to spend hours cleaning-this has been the case with most people I have spoken to.  I paid to have my living room carpet and the comforter on my bed dry cleaned and am considering paying a cleaning lady to come in and clean the areas I just haven't had the time or heart to get to.  This really isn't rocket science-if you want to attract-and keep-good, qualified teachers-take care of them!  The more I experience, the more convinced I become that I should look into starting my own recruiting business in a few years!

This sounds like whining(would you like some cheese with that whine?!), and that really isn't my intention.  There are definitely some positive aspects to my job and to life in Kuwait.  In Canada teachers get very little prep time; here we have specialist teachers for art(if they can find an art teacher!), music, p.e., ict, french/esl, arabic and islamic studies-so out of 50 classes per week we only have to teach 27-29 - that would never happen at home!  I really like my colleagues, my department head and principal seem to be people who support their staff, and, as I said earlier, despite everything I like my kids.  And I like this country; I like the warm nights, the salty smell of the ocean that reminds me of home, the palm trees and warm breezes I've been longing for, and the friendly people.  Last night I went for dinner with a large group of colleagues.  When I went to the washroom I encountered 4 young Kuwaiti girls who all said "hello" to me-one even added "good morning"!  They then offered their hands for me to shake and welcomed me to Kuwait-that evoked a smile that spread across my whole face-can you imagine that happening in a restaurant bathroom in Canada?

In conclusion, I have experienced positives and negatives, ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days.  I have wrestled with my conscience, searched my heart, and tried to decide on my best course of action.  I may not have a choice in where I spend the next 9 months; remaining where I am may be my only option.  If that is the case I will make the best of the situation for myself, and do everything I possibly can for my students.  I will survive, as I always have, but I feel the cost-to my mental, emotional, and by extension, physical health-will be high.  So I have decided that if I am offered a position teaching English as a Second Language, particularly at the college/university level, I will accept it(providing they agree to my returning home for Alex's wedding and graduation).  I have two phone interviews set up for tomorrow, one with a university in Saudi Arabia and one with a university in Oman.  If I go somewhere else I know I could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire,  but at least I would have something on my resume that would help to get me a better position next year.  Whatever happens this experience has not been a wasted one.  I have learned valuable lessons-the hard way, perhaps, but that wouldn't be the first time and probably won't be the last time that my enlightenment has come at a price!  I know that I still possess a strong passion to teach, but I have learned that that passion does not mean I can be happy teaching anything to anyone.  I have learned that I cannot be in contact with children and not care - about their education, their well being, their happiness.  I have accepted that despite those feelings of care and concern, I have to make decisions based on what is best for my health and happiness, and-as callous as it may sound-my career. I have processed, and reflected, and searched my heart. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, I know what I can and cannot bear, and I think I know what I want. All I need now is the resolve and courage to follow wherever this path I am on leads me.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?! (Part One)

I just finished my 3rd week with my students and have yet to blog about the experience; I know some of you have been wondering at my silence.   I was asking myself the question "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" even before I met my class.  The first week of September was 'teacher's week' as we prepared for the students(actually, saying we 'prepared' is stretching it a bit), and had general staff/admin meetings.  At one of these meetings the subject of discipline was discussed for such an extremely long time-my first red flag!- that I wrote on my writing pad to the teacher sitting next to me(a young woman from New Zealand) "Are you getting the impression that this is a problem here?"  Well, the answer to that question is yes-it's a huge problem here. After days spent getting my classroom ready for my students(putting up posters, borders, arranging desks, sorting texts, notebooks, etc) came my very first 'real' day.  I arrived at school about 6:45am as prepared as I could be for my "5 Yellow" class of 16 students.  Every morning we have a staff briefing in the library at 7:10 after which we head straight to the quad for the bell that rings at 7:20.  We line our class up and take part in the flag ceremony(cheers, national anthem, reading from the Quaran in Arabic and English-done by students),then escort our class to our classroom.  After the briefing-and just before I had to meet and pick up my class-I was told we were down a teacher.  Instead of 4 year(grade) 5 classes there were now 3-my class was now "5 Blue"- 29 students, in a different classroom.  My briefcase and personal supplies were in my original classroom-couldn't leave 29 kids alone to go get them.  I had no idea where the teacher who had prepared my new classroom had put anything.  It was a chaotic disaster that only got worse.  In the afternoon a teacher came in to teach the Arabic(or religion-wasn't sure in the confusion!) lesson, while I was conferring with him two boys got into a fight-an all-out, punches flying  fist fight.  My colleague(a man) did absolutely nothing-while I was breaking up the fight a chair was knocked onto my foot, cutting the big toe on my left foot.  I was shocked, pissed off, and bleeding-not a good start to my teaching career in Kuwait.(three weeks later it is still tender, has a black bruise and I don't know if I will lose the nail or not).  I dragged myself home from school that day, the enthusiasm and hope of the morning replaced by despair.  I went online that night and responded to some responses to applications I had received just prior to arriving in Kuwait.  The next morning I spoke to the principal and told him that I didn't want to be a classroom teacher(has never been my first choice during this whole job search procedure), that my preference was in ESL, I knew the school needed an esl teacher(one of the ones hired had not arrived), and that I wanted to be considered for the position.  I also told him I was checking out other options.  He asked me to give him a week and he would see what he could do.  During that week(and continuing for the past two weeks)  I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster ride-and anyone who knows me knows I HATE rollercoasters!  One day I feel like I can't spend another day here, the next day I feel that there is no way I can abandon my students now.  And my students are not bad kids-despite the rough start I had.  They are not really much different from kids anywhere-they are kids-they talk too much, they don't listen, they constantly seek teacher attention, they drive me crazy!  They are, however, not mean-spirited kids-they are likable, and funny, and charming, and worthy of my time and my care, and I like them!  One-to-one, or in small groups I would have a great experience with them.  In a classroom of 26(my present class), in a school environment where the students have grown accustomed to a severe lack of discipline and consequences, in a culture that appears to tolerate behavior I am not accustomed to tolerating, my experience will be extremely frustrating to unbearable.  After a week my principal got back to me; the powers above him decided it was easier to find and esl teacher than another year 5 teacher so their solution was to do what worked best for them-keep me where I am and hire someone else for the esl position.  During that week I had pretty much decided that even if I got an offer to teach esl at a college or university(the work and experience I have been looking for all along) I would stay at this school if they offered me the esl position-because I don't want to abandon my students, and I don't want to abandon my colleauges(who I think are the friendliest, most welcoming bunch I have ever worked with), and I know I would enjoy working with Flo(a wonderful young woman from London), the other esl teacher.  But, I wasn't given that option, and in that refusal, came my resolve to do what is best for me, for my career.  Still, in these last 2 weeks I have grown closer to my students-even though I've had some really bad days-and it will be difficult to leave them if I go.

If the frustration of the students was the only issue it wouldn't be so bad-they are the same issues one finds anywhere-but there is so much more going on here.  The lack of resources is appalling-i have no teacher guides, no answer keys(that means hours of extra work just there), no basic supplies.  I can download resources from the internet onto a flashdrive and take it to school-but then there is no working computer or printer for me to use!  I am barely treading water keeping up with everything that needs doing. Classrooms are so small-some of them in terrible shape, the roof is leaking in one of the stairwells-an extremely dangerous situation.  The children(about300 of them at my age group-grade 3-5)  spend their two 20 minute breaks in a very small quad in the middle of the school.  It is technically outdoors-canvas roof, tile floor-gets quite hot.  There is no play equipment and they are not allowed to run!  They are in school from about 7am until 2:10-and during their breaks they have nothing to play on and are not allowed to run!  I supervise on break each day and spend 20 minutes yelling(only way to be heard)at kids to stop running(which i feel so bad about doing!), grabbing the kids who ignore me and keep running past me, and breaking up fights. At the end of that 2o minutes I am at the end of my rope, ready to cry. On top of that we are being bombarded with administrative demands-"your marking must be done like this", "you need to do long, medium, and short term goals and hand them in", etc., etc.  I(and everyone else) am frustrated to the point of despair-I don't have the tools I need to do my job-and yet I am being held accountable for doing that job!

And then there is the company that owns and runs the school.  We all have id cards and must clock in(at 7am) and out(at 2:45) each day-not what i'm used to, but i can live with it.  What i don't accept is that if we clock in one minute late, or clock out one minute early-we will be deducted a half day's pay!  I get to school between 6:30 and 6:45 every day, I leave between 3 and 5-depending on how much marking I have to do-and yet I face losing half a day's pay if i'm one minute late arriving or one minute early leaving!  That is not an acceptable way to treat a professional as far as I am concerned.

I really want to finish this before posting it but some colleagues are heading out for lunch(our friday is your saturday) and i could really use a break so i am going to join them.  i know if i try to save this i will end up losing it-so i guess i'll finish it when i get home!  adieu, adieu, remember me!